10 Tips to Mend a Broken Heart
Bess Myerson once wrote that “to fall in love is awfully simple, but
to fall out of love is simply awful.” Especially if you are the one who
wanted the relationship to last.
Mending a broken heart is never easy. There is no quick way to stop your heart from hurting so much.
To stop loving isn’t an option. Author Henri Nouwen writes, “When
those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be
broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain
that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.”
But how do we get beyond the pain? Here are 10 tips I’ve gathered
from experts and from conversations with friends on how they patched up
their heart and tried, ever so gradually, to move on.
1. Go through it, not around it.
I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is
to stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must
do. Because no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here’s a
simple fact: You have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18
months of my severe depression,
my therapist repeated almost every visit: “Go through it. Not around
it.” Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me
apart inside, then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just
like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through
the intense pain, I eventually surfaced as a stronger person ready to
tackle problems head on. Soon the pain lost its stronghold over me.
2. Detach and revel in your independence again.
Attempting to fill the void yourself — without rushing to a new
relationship or trying desperately to win your lover back — is
essentially what detaching is all about. The Buddha taught that
attachment that leads to suffering. So the most direct path to happiness
and peace is detachment. In his book,
Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds, Victor M. Parachin tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a monk. Writes Parachin:
“Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain
liberation?” The Great Monk replied: “Who tied you up?” This old
gardener answered: “Nobody tied me up.” The Great Monk said: “Then why
do you seek liberation?”
One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I’m
immersed in grief and sadness is this: I don’t need anyone or anything
to make me happy. When I’m experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it
is so difficult to trust that I can be whole without that person in my
life. But I have learned over and over again that I can. I really can.
It is my job to fill the emptiness, and I can do it… creatively, and
with the help of my higher power.
3. List your strengths.
As I wrote in my “12 Ways to Keep Going” post,
a technique that helps me when I feel raw and defeated to try anymore
is to list my strengths. I say to myself, “Self, you have been sober for
20 years!! Weaklings can’t pull off that! And here you are, alive,
after those 18 months of intense suicidal thoughts. Plus you haven’t
smoked a cigarette since that funeral back in December of last year!” I
say all of that while listening to the “Rocky” soundtrack, and by the
last line, I’m ready to tackle my next challenge: move on from this
sadness and try to be a productive individual in this world. If you
can’t list your strengths, start a self-esteem file. Click here to learn how you build one.
4. Allow some fantasizing.
Grief wouldn’t be the natural process that it should be without some yearning for the person you just lost. Dr. Christine Whelan, who writes the “Pure Sex, Pure Column” on BustedHalo.com, explains the logic of allowing a bit of fantasy. She writes:
If you are trying to banish a sexual fantasy from your
head, telling yourself “I’m not going to fantasize about her” or “I
won’t think about what it would be like to be intimate with him” might
make it worse… In a famous psychological study from the 1980s, a group
of subjects were told to think about anything but whatever they did,
they were not supposed to think about a white bear. Guess what they all
thought about? [A white bear.]
5. Help someone else.
When I’m in pain, the only guaranteed antidote to my suffering is to
box up all of my feelings, sort them, and then try to find a use for
them. That’s why writing Beyond Blue contributes a big chunk to my recovery, why moderating Group Beyond Blue
has me excited to wake up every day. When you turn your attention to
another person — especially someone who is struggling with the same kind
of pain — you forget about yourself for a split moment. And let’s face
it, that, on some days, feels like a miracle.
6. Laugh. And cry.
Laughter heals on many levels as I explain in my “9 Ways Humor Heals”
post, and so does crying. You think it’s just a coincidence that you
always feel better after a good cry? Nope, there are many physiological
reasons that contribute to the healing power of tears. Some of them have
been documented by biochemist William Frey who has spent 15 years as
head of a research team studying tears. Among their findings is that
emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut
an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts, so that weeping removes
these toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So go grab a box
of Kleenex and cry your afternoon away.
7. Make a good and bad list.
You need to know which activities will make you feel good, and which
ones will make you want to toilet paper your ex-lover’s home (or
apartment). You won’t really know which activity belongs on which list
until you start trying things, but I suspect that things like checking
out his wall on Facebook
and seeing that he has just posted a photo of his gorgeous new
girlfriend is not going to make you feel good, so put that on the “don’t
attempt” list, along with e-mails and phone calls to his buddies
fishing for information about him. On the “feels peachy” list might be
found such ventures as: deleting all of his e-mails and voicemails,
pawning off the jewelry he gave you (using the cash for a much-needed
massage?), laughing over coffee with a new friend who doesn’t know him
from Adam (to ensure his name won’t come up).
8. Work it out.
Working out your grief quite literally — by running, swimming,
exercising, walking, or kick-boxing — is going to give you immediate
relief. On a physiological level — because exercise increases the
activity of serotonin and/or norepinehrine and stimulates brain
chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells — but also on an emotional
level, because you are taking charge and becoming the master of your
mind and body. Plus you can visualize the fellow who is responsible for
your pain and you can kick him in the face. Now doesn’t that feel good?
9. Create a new world.
This is especially important if your world has collided with his,
meaning that mutual friends who have seen him in the last week feel the
need to tell you about it. Create your own safe world — full of new
friends who wouldn’t recognize him in a crowd and don’t know how to
spell his name — where he is not allowed to drop by for a figurative or
literal surprise visit. Take this opportunity to try something new —
scuba diving lessons, an art class, a book club, a blog — so to program
your mind and body to expect a fresh beginning… without him (or her).
10. Find hope.
There’s a powerful quote in the movie
The Tale of Despereaux
that I’ve been thinking about ever since I heard it: “There is one
emotion that is stronger than fear, and that is forgiveness.” I suppose
that’s why, at my father’s deathbed, the moment of reconciliation
between us made me less scared to lose him. But forgiveness requires
hope: believing that a better place exists, that the aching emptiness
experienced in your every activity won’t be with you forever, that one
day you’ll be excited to make coffee in the morning or go to a movie
with friends. Hope is believing that the sadness can evaporate, that if
you try like hell to move on with your life, your smile won’t always be
forced. Therefore in order to forgive and to move past fear, you need to
find hope.
And remember to love again…
Once our hearts are bruised and burned from a relationship that
ended, we have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that
one day no one will be able to get inside. Or we can love again.
Deeply, just as intensely as we did before. Henri Nouwen urges to love
again because the heart only expands with the love we are able to pour
forth. He writes:
The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to
suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart
grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving,
those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from
you. The pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful.
Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and
more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.